'Story of a marriage': are you prepared for a divorce?

'History of a marriage' is a film that does not leave you indifferent. Its protagonists Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) and Charlie (Adam Driver) transmit love and pain in equal parts. His is the chronicle of an announced breakup, the divorce between two people who love each other, who still have deep feelings for each other.

"How can love live with this pain?" says Nicole. A question that we often hear from those who resort to therapeutic practice in search of relief from the agony of being two who love each other, but cannot move forward together.

In the 21st century, mutual and shared growth is a fundamental key for couples who want to stay together over time. They are couples who do not argue, who are not in a fight like in 'The Rose War', but in which suffering has settled in the heart of the relationship.

THE CONFLICT OF 'BEING ONLY ONE'

To be one soul, to always be together, to be just you and me, is the desire of lovers, since falling in love means entering a state of symbiosis where any threat to love comes from outside. It's honeymoon time, but the pink sparkles will inevitably darken.

It means that the relationship evolves naturally from its early idyllic phase (no one can live forever on a honeymoon) to give way to a more mature stage, where the rest of the world and life makes its way. Friends, work, hobbies, family await you beyond looking into the eyes of your loved one.

Moving from symbiosis to a differentiated relational state can be difficult. If at this stage you tell yourself that "you are losing" you are doing yourself a disservice because leaving the symbiosis means seeing (finally!) each other as separate beings.

Knowing how to celebrate those differences, without taking them as personal attacks, despite the feelings of disappointment and even bitterness that this entails, signifies maturity.

This is where Charlie and many others like him stumble, in the so-called 'we are one' conflict; that is to say, in continuing to consider that one's own dreams and desires are also, forever and ever as in fairy tales, those of the partner, who feels suffocated and responds with calm in front and bitterness inside. "He didn't see me as separate from himself, he doesn't take notice of me," reflects Nicole.

The crisis consumes the relationship from within as a consequence of the need for change, to stop the obsession of being inseparable from one and the other's unexpressed desire to fly.

If 'Marriage Story' were a Disney movie or it was about a couple willing to listen to each other, they would turn the crisis into a new spark. To do this, you have to change the rules, define new roles and seek a new level of relationship: appreciate the richness that comes from being very realistic about who we are instead of trying to change each other.

THE THREE DILEMMAS OF DIVORCE

But this is not a movie in the purest Hollywood style and life is not often either. Crisis comes from the Greek verb krinein, which means to separate, but also to decide, and this decision sometimes inevitably leads to a break.

The neuropsychiatrist Mony Elkaïm affirms that the encounter of a couple is an encounter of two parallel dimensions and not always reconcilable.

The question that arises is: can a divorce be done well? In the words of the protagonists "how can moderation be so bad" when there are no good or bad and both members of the couple suffer and are vulnerable.

A few days ago I heard Isabel Allende affirm in an interview: "I've been in the relationship for 20 years and then eight until I divorce." Like her, many people can spend many years thinking about separating and have great difficulty making up their minds. It is understandable, some compare divorce with a traffic accident emotional traffic.

Traumas are not usually physical (although unfortunately there are also) but are carried out with crossed reproaches, frontal attacks and court rulings. The decision to ask for a divorce is a crucial dilemma that has consequences for years or a lifetime and that not only affects the parties concerned, it can also affect the lives of the children, their own families, the circle of friends, etc.

Divorce therapy, which is increasingly requested, provides psychological support to be able to make the decision at times when these questions are on your mind: "I think I need to get a divorce, how can I be sure?"; "I still love him, even though I'm not in love"; "Divorce? But we just got back from a trip to India together." There are three real dilemmas that arise in the face of separation:

1. I want a divorce, but I'm not sure it's the right decision. The pressure to make the "perfect" decision is enormous. The best scenario is to decide cold, not based on an emotional outburst or a reactive response to the other.

2. I don't want to separate, it's my partner who wants it. It is the passive position in which you have to accept a situation that you do not want. Emotions are devastating. There are two crucial questions to ask yourself: am I holding on to my family, even if my relationship isn't working out? Do I have a realistic vision of my relationship or is it based on wishful thinking?

3. I want a divorce because my marriage is not working. You live in the dream that the other can change so that everything improves. In fact, this position increases the anger towards the couple because they are the "culprit" of the divorce. You don't want to feel responsible for what happens and the more you blame the other, the more difficult it is for you to express your own fears and sadness. In this case, you are still hooked on your partner. Connect exclusively with "your" reasons for separation.

The common element of these three dilemmas is fear. In the first, the fear of making a mistake, in the second, the denial that there are problems, and in the third, the fear of assuming any responsibility.

The decision to separate is complex and requires some basic skills:

1. Identify what you feel and want regardless of what the other may want for you.

2. Connect with your reality and share that information even if you think the other person may feel uncomfortable

3. Stay balanced when your partner tells you something that you are not entirely comfortable hearing.

Divorcing with the courage that finally emerges from 'Story of a marriage' requires remembering that above all else there is a greater good: preserving affection and the desire for the best for the other, as a person or as a parent or of your kids.

Paraphrasing an old Italian proverb "non tutte le tragedie vengono per nuocere" (not all tragedies come to harm). Would a marriage be happier if one of the two gave up developing as a person to please the other? Everyone has to find their own answer.

Six questions to ask yourself before considering a divorce

For a divorce to be a respectful process, couples psychologists Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson suggest that it is important to answer the following questions:

Do you still have feelings for your partner? Many people say that they want a divorce, but in reality, they are just very angry with their partner and have established a power struggle in the relationship with their consequent lack of intimacy and closure. If this is your case, it is better that you work on the relationship before deciding to divorce. Being prepared for a divorce means being able to have a clear mind before a decision that you have to keep over time.

Have you ever really been married? This seemingly paradoxical question means that to truly be a couple you have to create a relationship that includes "our" and "us." It is surprising to see that many couples have been two individuals looking for their own needs and have often turned their coexistence into a competition. If you haven't developed an authentic "we" this would be the time to commit to learning how to do it.

Are you truly ready for divorce or are you threatening to divorce? Threatening to divorce does not mean being prepared to divorce, you only use this possibility to release your frustration, gain power or manipulate the other to change. If what you really want is to get a divorce, replace the threat with "I want to close this chapter of my life because I know that I can no longer redirect this relationship."

What is your intention in filing for divorce? If you hope that through divorce the other person will change, it is an indicator that you are not ready for divorce. This one does not have the ability to correct mistakes, it only ends the marriage and frees to reconnect with other people. Reflect on the reasons you have for leaving and you may discover that there are unresolved personal issues that do not allow you to make the decision. It is time to address them.

Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce? Divorce brings changes and pain because it means the loss of the ideal of the "happy family." Pain, disappointment, loneliness, feelings of failure can crush the mind in this process. It is necessary to have good support among family and friends and/or professional support.

Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way? How you answer this question determines the future you will have. If you come from positions of bitterness and revenge or, on the contrary, you can negotiate about your future from a position of understanding and respect, it will mark whether the divorce will be easy or not, since the separation does not resolve conflicts.

In short, if you do not want changes in your finances, if you cannot accept the sadness or anger of your children or times of insecurity and if you are not willing to let go of your partner mentally, emotionally and materially you are not prepared for divorce.

Isabel Serrano-Rosa is a psychologist and director of EnPositivoSí.

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