“We were an anti-baby combination”: the inconveniences of both led them to fight for 5 years to become parents

Since she has the use of reason, but more especially when her father gave her a Toda Malfalda when she was 10 years old, Maru Pesuggi (38) was certain that when she grew up she was going to be a mother. Like her Susanita, she says, she always knew that she would first study for a career, then she would meet the love of her life, she would get married and at least two children would come.

When she was 20 years old, she met Juan Pablo, a young man who was the administrator of a car forum. “He was a mystery, a super private person, not much was known about him and he was quite popular and mysterious. We talked for days, for hours. The connection was great, but it did not go beyond the virtual until one day we decided to see each other to see what would happen, if the magic also remained outside the virtual plane. And so it was that after months of forums, ICQ and Messenger we finally met and never parted ways again”, she tells Maru.

The ideal companion to start a family

Shortly after getting married and after pronouncing the first "I love you", Maru realized that Juan Pablo was the love of her life and that in the future he would be the father of her children. On November 3, 2011, when she was 28, they got married.

Maru says that in December of that same year, before the honeymoon that was going to be in April 2012 through various cities in the United States, they began to seek pregnancy without imagining the journey of studies, treatments, illusions, tears and disappointments. that for five years they would be tied to a desire that seemed like a utopia.

“When things don't work out the way I hope they do, I tend to be negative and fearful. Within a few months I felt for sure that something was wrong with me that was preventing me from getting pregnant, despite the fact that my routine gynecological check-ups were always normal. When we returned from the honeymoon, in May, we had almost completed six months of searching and I began with a consultation with my gynecologist. The results of the usual controls were always normal and since she noticed my anguish, even warning me that a year of searching when the woman is under 35 years old is the usual way to get pregnant, she told us to consult an andrologist”.

Studies and treatments

The studies carried out by her husband showed that she suffered from a varicocele, the widening of certain veins, such as varicose veins, through which the blood passes. For this reason, the sperm that he generates, explains Maru, do not manage to have the normal shape with the capacity to fertilize.

“Neither 10 years ago nor now is there a consensus regarding this painting. Some professionals suggest surgery, but like any vein in the body, varicose veins can form in other ways. Therefore, your solution is not guaranteed. Even the operation has an important post-op that was going to delay our search. So looking at all the variables and understanding that his varicocele is severe, we prefer to start treatment right away as his always favorable outlook was that his total sperm count was always very high.”

With this news, Maru and her husband embarked on the search for fertility clinics and from that moment, she says, they deepened their knowledge on the subject of fertile dates, food during the search for pregnancy and the recommended sexual frequency.

“The card that touched me was the one about polycystic ovaries. In practical and inelegant terms, it meant that the bardo of hormones that is generated in my lower abdomen makes my ovulation inefficient and my ovaries, instead of having a flat and velvety surface, look like blackberries with dozens of cysts from which an egg does not come out. decent. We were a perfect anti-baby combination”, says Maru, with that touch of humor and irony that was one of the pillars that helped her overcome such painful moments.

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"We were three in that bed and the third was never a son"

Since she did not get pregnant, the next step was to undergo assisted reproduction treatments. The first consisted of having scheduled intercourse and the doctor controlled her cycle while Maru took some pills and at the time of ovulation he instructed them to make love frequently. “The act became mechanical, programmed and timed. We were three in that bed and the third was never a child, precisely. This made cohabitation with my husband shake, ”she confesses.

After years of trying intrauterine inseminations, she had to go to high complexity. “When they manipulated our cells in the laboratory, I believed that it would work, that the pregnancy was imminent. There was nothing left to do after that. But when it didn't work, I broke into thousands of pieces. I went to sleep crying and woke up with the same tears. Fear, frustration, anxiety, guilt and disappointment turned into a present idea: I was going to die without feeling what it is like to be a mother. The pain, which is nothing more than a feeling, could be felt in every inch of my body. To start over was to put the body back, the desire, the will. It was to return to the bureaucratic and tedious path of procedures before the social work when they do not want to cover what a law requires them to do”.

“Being a mother was the most important thing in my life”

However, Maru and Juan Pablo never hesitated to continue with that search because the desire to be parents was much stronger than any pain, disappointment or despair that might come their way. Despite that, each negative result fell like a shock.

“I went to sleep thinking about this, many times crying. Countless were the nights that I dreamed of babies and also woke up crying from feeling the void. There were very hard moments. Being a mother was what mattered most to me in life, I was doing everything possible to achieve it and the time that began to be counted in years annihilated my soul. Every time he felt that he was not going to have any more strength to go on, the monster took the form of a childless woman. Death didn't scare me, I was scared to die without knowing what it's like to be a mom,” she insists.

In those days when achieving pregnancy seemed like a pipe dream, Maru was encouraged to share what was happening to her in the first person and in an ironic way through the blog Que me parta un Milagro. And in this way she began to connect virtually with other women who were in the same situation as her. And she no longer felt so alone and that back and forth of her generated positive thoughts and feelings of hope. “When you face infertility you feel like a weirdo, the only one, the especially dysfunctional one. When you find a tribe that lives the same as you, your difficulty becomes universal, you stop feeling unique, not only in what happens to you, but in everything you feel”.

Waiting so long was worth it

Five years had already passed since Maru and Juan Pablo had begun the incessant search to become a mother and a father, and that period of time coincided with the need to change the doctor who treated them, since they felt that this bond was depersonalized and lacked empathy. .

“I always went for home pregnancy tests before doing the blood pregnancy study indicated by post-treatment doctors. That time I did not dare to anticipate the result. She was tired, physically exhausted. The only thing she knew how to do perfectly was start over in a cycle that seemed infinite. So the indicated morning we went with my husband to do the blood study. I waited several hours, I didn't want to receive the result alone so I asked him to come back for a while before working at home. Getting closer to the time when the result was going to be sent to me, I started stalking my doctor on his WhatsApp. At one point the 'is writing' appeared and I knew he was writing to me. The result appeared on the screen: 'Positive, 575', that number confirmed that she was pregnant. I started yelling at Juan Pablo that he was sitting next to me and the words wouldn't come out of my mouth so I showed him the cell phone. The hug we gave each other had a kinetic force that I thought would shatter the windows of the entire city. Mute with emotion, this story, at last, turned the page to a new chapter”, says Maru with great emotion and great detail.

Maru confesses that she did not have the pregnancy that she deserved because of all that she had suffered during the last five long years. “I lived it with new fears, those that puncture balloons or wake up from pleasant dreams. I had a risk pregnancy due to bruising, thrombophilia and risk of pre-eclampsia. It had cost me so much to get there and it seemed that the road did not become flat at any time. But after 37 weeks of gestation I was able to meet the face of the purest love that exceeded all my dreams.

In love with Annabelle

That little face that filled her with an incomparable, unconditional, pure love that changed her life forever is called Annabella, who is currently seven years old. She “She is a super affectionate and demonstrative girl. very naughty I am amazed at the lucidity with which she looks at the world and at the same time I am touched by her innocence. She is responsible and careful, she drives me crazy with love to see how she acquires our habits, without being required, she is very orderly and neat with her things.

She enjoys listening to music, and she uses Spotify better than I do: she makes playlists and plays them in the car or at home, we call her DJ Bella. She likes to dress up and perform. She sings and acts and prefers to do it without an audience, she does it for herself. She is very attentive to everything around her, participates or gets involved in any activity. She makes jokes, as I usually do, and that disarms me from love, ”her mother describes her.

As since 2013 Maru had a lot of material that she had been writing on her blog, on the recommendation of several followers in 2020 she published the book May a miracle break me! The search for a son that seems inconceivable with the aim of being able to share her entire journey with other women who have not yet been able to fulfill their dream of being mothers.

“I published it because this book was what I needed to have when I had to face infertility: quality information, warmth, reality, emotions, a lot of humor, everything that led me to put resilience into practice. So that they know that they are not alone, the book is a hug from a distance and so my readers let me know, ”she says. And she adds: “To the women and men who are going through a situation similar to the one we are experiencing, I would like to tell them to move by desire. This is not a race to be won. It is a project that must be carried out, that we had the hard way, but as in this, life can present challenges in other areas. That they do not stop being informed or evacuate any doubt they have. Let them learn the metalanguage of this universe that at first seems incomprehensible. Doubt any easy offer: there are no shortcuts or magic recipes. That they understand that each step is an achievement in itself and deserves to be recognized, that they be pious with oneself.