Paternity test: how to request it without hurting the sensitivity of the other person

I am 40 years old and last July I met a woman. Two months later, the relationship reached intimacy. I didn't hear from her until a few days ago, when she told me she was pregnant. I was shocked by the news, because she is five months pregnant, and I don't get the accounts, even more so because she disappeared and came back as if nothing had happened. If she tells the truth, I take responsibility, but I want to be sure and take a DNA test. How to tell her without making her feel offended? Alberto, Guayaquil

My dear friend, from your description of the situation, the relationship you have established with the lady in question has been casual and has no formal characteristics, so as the adult man that you are, I assume you know about the risks of having unprotected sex to avoid unwanted pregnancy and other health problems.

That said, her discomfort could also come from not having been very careful in this aspect, to which is added the behavior of this lady of moving away during this last time and now returning with an ongoing pregnancy, after so many months . It is undoubtedly highly suspicious and has fueled her uncertainty and her alarm about the legitimacy of that paternity.

However, your fear of reframing the situation and clarifying it I suppose refers to your belief that telling your annoyance or truth is equivalent to being aggressive, unpleasant or indelicate. And this is completely wrong.

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Telling the truth or communicating your discomfort to other people is sincerity, which feeds and fosters good relationships, because it is a good way of making yourself known to others. What should not be done is to confuse sincerity with rudeness, that is another matter.

Remember that it is your right to know the truth about the paternity of that supposed child, and that in this case the doubt is very reasonable, since you have not maintained a stable relationship with the mother of that baby. So I would recommend that you better examine why you have that focus on expressing your annoyance with her. Telling your truth should not be considered bad, unless what you intend with it is to cause harm or discomfort to the other person.

You're probably more concerned with how to tell the lady. In that case, she would recommend that she start by stopping assuming things. Assuming what the other person wants only feeds their disagreement and does not bring them any certainty, it only adds to their discomfort. In addition to the fact that it is also possible that she is not certain about the paternity of that child and is desperate.

In the same vein, if you think you have negative feelings of disagreement, disappointment, anger or others towards that person, it is best to get rid of them, writing them in letters in which you can order those thoughts, free yourself from the anxiety they cause and stay calmer, before talking to that person about what is happening.

Remember that it is very important to express yourself assertively with her, so to achieve this, remember these guidelines:

This way the person will know what to expect and you will feel free of the pressure that comes with being faced with the uncertainty of possible paternity.

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Your adequate communication will surely achieve the acceptance you are looking for for the paternity test and some explanation that will help you both reach a good agreement.

If you can be certain of that pregnancy, then you can exercise your parental rights and can continue to think properly about your role and parental responsibilities.

And if, on the contrary, the person were to refuse the test, then you could do another reading of that denial, which would be to confirm your suspicions regarding that paternity and you would be free to take the pertinent actions accordingly. with the situation. I wish you good luck.

Dr. Glenda Pinto Guevara, clinical psychologist, cognitive behavioral therapist, master's degree in TBE (Brief Strategic Therapy). Phones: 232-4066, 099-961-2322.